violent-darts:

star-anise:

copperbadge:

So I recently read an article about how the big thing in child-rearing in the 1980s was self-esteem; the thought was that creating good self-esteem in kids seemed linked to higher achievement, so there was a huge emphasis in the 80s and 90s, continuing into today, to build self-esteem in kids (we are now finding this is correlation but not causation, per the article). And it occurs to me that a lot of the shit Millennials get is the result of good self-esteem. I know we all hate ourselves and this seems like bullshit, just, bear with me.

This occurred to me because I was thinking about how colas are advertised now versus how they were advertised in my childhood in the 80s – now there’s stuff like the emojis on Pepsi bottles and the names on Coke bottles, whereas when I was a kid the big thing was athletes and movie stars drinking cola. And they were marketed in that way in the 80s because the idea was “You could be as cool as this dude if you drank Coca Cola.” 

This marketing doesn’t work on the younger generation, because we don’t give a fuck about being as cool as That Dude. Because we were raised with this weird emphasis on self-esteem. Boomer style marketing doesn’t work on Millennials (or on a significant portion of GenX) because Millennials can’t be courted by the idea that consuming something will change their self image or their image in other peoples’ eyes. I mean yeah we’re all broke, but we understand that buying something won’t make us feel less broke. The idea of “Treat Yo Self” works because it’s based on the idea of buying something that will give you pleasure rather than status. We don’t need status. We make our own, or we find it irrelevant. Because: self-esteem. (Older generations tend to mistake this for self-absorption, because they don’t have it and thus believe it cannot be a virtue.)

BUT SAM, THEN WHY DO I HAVE SUCH ANXIETY? you ask. WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH MY FAILINGS?

Well, because you are conscious of them in a way that previous generations aren’t. You’re aware of your self-esteem issues because self-esteem as a concept is so familiar to you. Someone raised without that emphasis on self-esteem in schools and childhood media buys a status-maker because they’re not aware that’s what they’re doing. It’s an unconscious connection. They don’t understand why they feel inadequate, so they can only turn to the media to guide them towards a feeling of adequacy. Millennials know why they feel inadequate, and they know buying something won’t solve that. 

Buying something may bring pleasure, but we know it won’t bring a permanent solution to our feelings of inner turmoil, and so our spending habits are radically different and our interaction with advertising is conditional in a way our parents’ isn’t. We want it proven that what’s being sold to us will either solve a real problem or bring a real pleasure, and if you can’t do either of those things, go fuck yourself. Because we have self-esteem. 

Of course also we’re broke. But that didn’t stop previous generations, who just invented the credit card and kept going. 

This is all just a theory, but it feels sound. That said, I’m open to information that supports or contradicts. I honestly don’t interact much with television advertising, so perhaps my view is skewed. 

And then the real problem with the self-esteem movement was that it was based on praise, and the idea that you must be praiseworthy and wonderful 24/7, which isn’t actually possible. It’s a whole thing.

Also,  you know: the whole “what coin do I put in the machine to get The Best Child out the other end?” thing, which I’ve ranted about before but am too tired to go find. Which is to say: a lot of the work that discovered that poor self esteem fucked people over, and that restoring self esteem* could help fix it was done by very dedicated and well-educated people, working hard with specific patients or groups of patients, in controlled environments, adapting their techniques to the situations they encountered. It was bespoke work. It was the equivalent of getting a dress perfectly tailored to you. 

In the movement it was then applied sloppily, without consideration, on a mass-production scale, in a one-size-doesn’t-fit-anyone mentality. Like a machine spitting out smocks that are all size 9 but made with lycra so in theory they can SORT OF stretch to actually be on any body but oh god there are like maybe 15% of humans in the middle that actually look good and are comfortable, and maybe 30% of humans around that 15% who can more or less get by and fuck everyone else. 

It was treated as “ah, praise = self-esteem = the coin I can put in the machine to get a High Achieving, Well-Balanced Child.” And everyone went YAY! and went about their business. 

And it fucked us up. Bad. 

One of the things I’m very firm on is I don’t lie. I’ve taught music, and I’ve had a bunch of other situations, and if something went wrong I’m gonna absolutely acknowledge it. I am also going to go “okay no, you’re right. That scale wasn’t as good as the scales you heard Georgina practicing while you were waiting for your lesson. Georgina is two years older than you, and started music when she was 5. This is not an appropriate benchmark to set for yourself, and also, you can BE GOOD ENOUGH without having to compete with Georgina. When I just told you ‘that was great’, I meant ‘you have improved significantly and by the measures that we talked about last class, which were evenness of rhythm and legato connection, that improvement is in fact great’.” 

I break it down to that. Which has been an important part of working through this stuff. 

*someone is going to niggle in with “but it shouldn’t be self-esteem, it should be self respect!” or “self worth!” or whatever, but like guys: this is rearranging deck furniture on the Titanic. The concept we are looking for here is “not thinking that you are worthless garbage, and thinking that you are capable of success and good things and this is okay”. What exact word we use for it is much less important here.